I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked miserable. I thought to myself, ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.
I’m not a fan of innuendos, but I do try to slip one in occasionally.
A Buddhist at the dentists refuses pain-killers because he wanted to transcend dental medication.
This shepherd said to me, “I’ve got sixty-eight sheep, would you like to round them up for me?” So I said, “Ok, you’ve got seventy.”
While at the Chemists, they told me I should stop taking vitamins. “Why?” I asked. “Because shoplifting is illegal,” they said.
Today I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall, as he turned and sneered at me I thought, ‘that’s a little condescending.’
I once bought a Bonnie Tyler Satnav, but it was crap. It kept telling me to turn around, and every now and then it falls apart.
Had some Mushrooms this morning… Breakfast of Champignons
I Googled-“Missing medieval servant”, it came up with “Page not found”.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
Hey, to whoever invented the zero: Thanks for nothing!
For anyone who’s interested, I will be signing books in Waterstone’s Bookshop this Saturday from 9am until security notices what I’m doing and throws me out.
For Lent, I thought I’d give up sexual innuendos, but it’s so hard.
When I was a kid, people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
I’m really into Grandfather clocks, big time.
I can hear music coming out of my printer. I think the paper’s jammin’ again.
Did you hear abut the hungry clock? It went back four seconds.
My aftershaves cost a fortune. I’ve got no common scents.
When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
A good pun is its own reword.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
It’s, “Jamaican hairstyle day”, at work tomorrow. I’m dreading it.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? Pumpkin Pi.
The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.
After kissing a girl in back of the gym for several hours I said, “You know, this isn’t working out.”
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
feet (noun): a device used for finding Lego in the dark
I cleaned out my back seat this morning, if anyone needs 37 half filled bottles of drinking water.
I dream of a world without plagiarism.
Now you may say I’m a dreamer…
But I’m not the only one.
One day a fairy gave me a choice between being well endowed or having a good memory. I can’t remember which I chose.
I remember opening a Christmas present
It was a box of rice. Thanks Uncle Ben.
My ex-wife – it’s difficult to say what she does – she sells sea shells on the sea shore.
I used to be a plastic surgeon, which raised a few eyebrows.
I used to be a mime. It’s only now I can talk about it.
I quit my job at the helium gas factory. I refused to be spoken to in that tone.
My parents are always complaining about the sacrifices they had to make for me. It wasn’t my fault they were Druids.
Try this next time you get on a roller coaster. Take a couple of spare bolts in your pocket. As the coaster is climbing to the top of the tallest drop, hand them to the guy in front of you. Say, “Dude, these just fell out of your seat.”
Practice safe eating. Always use condiments.
You know what’s the best part of waking up early? Absolutely nothing.
I never run with scissors. Whoa, those last two words were totally unnecessary.
When comforting a grammar nazi, I always hold them close and say, “There, they’re, their…”
Every time I’m sad, I just envision a T-Rex trying to put a hat on.
I hate it when it’s dark and my brain says, “You know what we haven’t thought about lately? Ghosts and monsters.”
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket?
Don’t you hate it when you lose a chip in the salsa, so you send in a recon chip and lose it too?
Ever had that feeling where you just want to jump right out of bed? Me neither.
Top five things men understand about women:
Sometimes people want to ask deep and thought provoking questions really early in the morning. It’s okay to kill those people.
Balloons are so weird. It’s like, “Happy birthday. Here’s a round plastic sack of my breath.”
Money can’t buy you happiness, but it’s more comfortable crying in a Porsche than on a bicycle.
Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too.
As a young child my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Well, it turns out that’s called identity theft.
Don’t worry. Zombies crave brains. You’re safe.
Best feeling ever: Waking up and seeing you have a couple more hours to sleep.
I wish Noah had just swatted those two mosquitoes.
I do yoga to alleviate stress. Just kidding. I get drunk.
Humanity is losing its geniuses. Aristotle died, Newton died, Einstein died, and I’m not feeling well today.
Just let me drink my coffee and no one will get hurt.
Is it wrong to go up to a person with an eye patch and ask, “Was it all fun and games up until that point?”
When a deaf person sees me yawn, do they think I’m screaming?
I do six sit-ups every morning. That may not sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
My dentist told me I needed a crown. I said, “Yes, I’ve always thought that.”
Today is the first day of the rest of your life. But then again, so was yesterday and look how badly you screwed that up.
They say you are what you eat. That’s funny. I don’t remember eating a sexy beast this morning.
I entered ten puns in a contest to see which one would win. No pun in ten did.
I’m known around the world for my tendency to exaggerate.
I’m almost always late for work. But I leave early to make up for it.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning,” I sleep until noon.
Because hey, I’m a problem solver.
Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD but all the letters are in alphabetical order like they should be.
A midget fortune teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
After all those years in school, I finally know what a semi colon is used for… to make winky faces.
I don’t know how people get eaten by sharks. I mean, how can they not hear the music?
Things to do today: (1) Get up. (2) Be awesome. (3) Go back to bed.
Here’s a depressing thought. Just think of how stupid the average person is. Then consider that half of them are stupider than that.
I’m not totally useless. I can be used as a bad example.
Me: I’m going to bed. Internet: Ha ha ha. No.
Remember, you can pick your friends. And you can pick your nose. But you can’t pick your friends’ noses.
Spider Web (noun): A thing you walk into that instantly turns you into a karate master.
immature (adj.): A word boring people use to describe fun people.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough.
Procrastinators unite! Tomorrow.
I’m not evil. I’m good… with a twist.
I’m confused. Oh, wait. Maybe I’m not.
My internet went down yesterday. I think my neighbour forgot to pay his bill. How irresponsible.
If you’re feeling down, I can feel you up.
I once won an argument with a woman… in this dream I had.
Whew! I just got a bill in the mail that said, “Final notice!” I’m glad that’s over.
Haters gonna hate. Potatoes gonna potate.
Just because I’m awake doesn’t mean I’m ready to do things.
When your ex says, “You’ll never find anyone like me again,” say: “That’s kinda the point.”
I had a really bad day. First, my ex got run over by a bus. Then, I got fired from my job as a bus driver.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I place a brown paper bag over my face. Then after I drink all the wine from the bottle inside the bag, I feel much better.
Good morning. I see the assassins have failed.
I before E except after C… except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
When life hands you lemons, squirt them in people’s eyes.
Well, another day has passed and I still haven’t used algebra.
Becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.
I’m not saying that you’re crazy. I’m just suggesting that you’re one buckle short of a straight jacket.
Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together, but only one of them knows about it.
I have NOT been stalking you! By the way, you’re out of milk again.
If you could choose between world peace or a billion dollars, what color would your Lamborghini be?
Save the earth. It’s the only planet with beer.
The guy who invented the umbrella was originally going to call it a brella. But then he hesitated.
Don’t you hate it when you’re digging a hole to hide a body and you find another body?
I saw a man at the beach screaming, “Help, shark, help!” I thought, what a moron. That shark isn’t going to help him.
I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that today while I was reading comic books in my tree house.
The police said they want to interview me. That’s strange. I don’t remember applying for a job there.
Statistically, six out of seven dwarfs aren’t Happy.
I’m not saying let’s kill all the stupid people. I’m just saying let’s take down all the warning signs and let nature take its course.
What if cats have their own internet… and it’s full of pictures of us?
Today’s a special day for me. I finally got paroled for that whole mass murderer thingy.
You’re only young once. But you can be immature your whole life.
I am 99 percent angel. But ohhh, that other one percent…
It was me. I let the dogs out.
Happy everything. Now leave me alone until next year.
Dear auto correct, Stop correcting my swear words, you stupid piece of shut.
Marriage is life a deck of cards. You start out with two hearts and a diamond. And you end up with a club and a spade.
Never get jealous when you see your ex with someone else. After all, your parents taught you to share your old worn out things with the less fortunate.
Dear Optimist and Pessimist, While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it. Sincerely, Opportunist.
I heard that internet addiction is now an officially recognized mental disorder and you can go to rehab for it. I’m only going if they have wi-fi.
Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.
New rule: If you have lifted your feet so that someone could vacuum beneath them, you have, in fact, helped with the cleaning.
You know it’s going to be a long day when you yell, “Seriously?” at your alarm clock.
Today has been cancelled. Go back to bed.
It’s scary that before Facebook, all this stuff just stayed in people’s heads.
Why does Snoop Dogg need an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle.
I eat cake because every day it’s somebody’s birthday somewhere.
Yes, yes, I’m listening. I’m just resting my eyes. Please continue your very interesting story about whatever it was.
I hate it when I’m singing along with a song and the singer gets the words wrong.
People said to follow your dreams, so I went back to bed.
First thing this morning there was a tap on my door. I hate that plumber.
Are orphans allowed to watch PG movies?
When my ex-wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees I thought she was joking. Then I saw her face.
ABNG. That’s bang out of order.
Rick Astley asked me if he could borrow my collection of Pixar films.
“Okay,” I said. “You can have Toy Story, Cars and Finding Nemo but I’m never gonna give you Up”
The local dry cleaners seem happy to fully repair my jeans.
Or at least sew its seams.
I have a friend who’s half Indian. Ian.
A new nightclub has just opened down the road and they are offering free drinks all night for just under 20 quid.
So tonight I’m gonna party like it’s £19.99
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, “Can you all see me now?”
A book just fell on my head.
I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
Here’s a bit of advice for you. Advi.
One of the toddlers on the Intensive Care Unit is playing with a toy donkey.
ICU baby, shaking that ass
Some yob attacked me down the local park tonight with a bat.
I was really impressed at how well he’d trained it.
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from. Then it dawned on me
You would think that, if you pulled a snail’s shell off, then it would be able to move faster. If anything it seemed more sluggish.
Someone keeps adding soil to my allotment overnight. It’s an absolute mystery as to why though. The plot thickens.
Where does the road paved with bad intentions go?
Why does water that has “trickled through the mountains for centuries” have a “use by” date?
Nobody ever shows up at the Agoraphobics Anonymous meetings. Last Monday’s meeting of the Apathy Group has just been cancelled. But I just invited all the guys at my Arsonist Anonymous group to a housewarming party.
Auctioneers are proof white guys could rap if they tried hard enough.
“Doctor! Doctor! Help me, I’m shrinking.”
“Just wait a minute and be a little patient.”
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’. He said: ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome’. ‘Is it common?’I asked. ‘It’s not unusual’ he replied.
Did I already do my de ja vu joke?
I didn’t want to accept my Dad stole from his job as a lollipop man- but I went to his house and all the signs were there.
I married way too young, she was Chinese
A group of chess enthusiasts were kicked out of a hotel reception for discussing their winning games. The manager can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
A man goes to the vet about his dog’s fleas. The vet says: ‘I’m sorry, I’ll have to put this dog down.’ The man is incredulous and asks why. The vet says: ‘Because he’s far too heavy.’
I went to the butchers the other day and the butcher said: ‘I bet you £5 you can’t guess the weight of that meat on the top shelf.’ ‘I’m not gambling,’ I said. ‘The steaks are too high.’
I was taking the motorway out of London. A policeman pulled me over and said: ‘Put it back.’
So I met a gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants. It was Weggie Kray.
Before I got through to Seaworld, I had to say “Jump through the hoop! Do a flip!”
They said my call may be recorded for training porpoises.
A man walks into a bookshop and says “I hope you don’t have a book on reverse psychology.”
Someone told me flowers had sex organs… POPPYCOCK!
It’s Saint Patrick’s day and an armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber’s face.
The robber shoots the man without hesitation.
He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him dead.
Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.
“Did anyone else see my face?” screams the robber.
There are a few moments of silence then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says, “I think me wife here may have caught a glimpse.”
There will be a new post-mortem today on the body of Michael Jackson at the request of his family. The doctor has been briefed to determine which was the cause of death:
C) Good Times
I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.
I went to Millets and said ‘I want to buy a tent.’ He said ‘To camp?’, I said [butchly] ‘Sorry, I want to buy a tent.’ I said ‘I also want to buy a caravan.’ He said ‘Camper?’ I said [campily] ‘Make your mind up.’
I bought a train ticket and the driver said “Eurostar” I said “Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin? Still, at least it’s comfortable on Eurostar, it’s murder on the Orient Express…
I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
So Batman came up to me; he hit me over the head with a vase; he went T’PAU! I said “Don’t you mean KAPOW?? He said “No, I’ve got china in my hand.”
So I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre. She said, “Are you having me on?” I said, “Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.”
A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!